Hi, Kathy! So sorry to hear about your troubles with the federal government. Secret Service investigations can be scary stuff, not to mention the many death threats you have received.

I would like to remind you, and I hope this eases your mind, that the death threats you have received are PROBABLY not sincere. But, who knows, right? They are likely just pranks, jokes, you know, like you holding the bloody severed head of the President of the United States. Hilarious! Many yucks!

Until this whole thing blows over and you can get back to pulling the wings off of flies and whatever else it is you enjoy in your now ample spare time, I would like to offer the following advice….

  1. Stay home.
  2. Do not answer the door.
  3. Keep all light switches in the “off” position.
  4. Stay away from windows.
  5. If you have a pre-designated safe space in your home, go there. If you do not, hide under your bed. It can be amazingly comfortable under there.

In the meantime, please complete this job application, as it appears a career change at this point is unavoidable. It isn’t the greatest work, but it beats sleeping on a steam grate, and you never know where it will lead. You could be Lead Flipper in a year!

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For any job¬†(except stand up comic, of course) you will likely be required to pass a personality profile test, which I don’t believe you will have any problem with. But just in case, I am providing a few pointers, below….

A typical test question would be:
Choose the best response: How would you respond to a customer who orders a cheeseburger at 10 AM?

  1. “Please step aside, sir. Next customer!”
  2. “Sir, you will have to order a burger elsewhere. Try Burger King.”
  3. “I’m very sorry, sir, but we don’t sever¬†serve (pardon the Freudian slip) our lunch menu until 11 AM. Please come back and see us then. Have a wonderful McDay!”
  4. “Hey, you mouth-breathing moron, can you not read a fucking clock!?”

I hope you chose #3. It is clearly the best answer.

I was unable to find your physical address to send this letter to you (go figure), so I am posting it to your facebook page….. https://www.facebook.com/kathygriffin/

Keep your chin up, but your head down.

Best Regards,

Thomas Madison