By Thomas Madison

I have found it! Liberal Utopia! Honestly, I don’t know why someone didn’t think of this sooner. I mean, I am no genius. It’s just a gift I guess. You can all thank me later. But enough about me.

Someone sent me this video (below) of Al Sharpton advocating knife control once we have finally rid our suffering planet of the horror of guns. The bigoted conservative in me didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so he just shook his conservative head, wondering if Little Al is bright enough to hail a cab. I have to admit, he got me thinking. As I shuddered, chasing my conservative alter-ego away, the liberal side of me began to connect the dots between gun violence, knife violence, hammer and saw violence (Three Stooges), rock violence, fork violence, and even pop-tart violence, and the little known TRUE cause of all of this violence.

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After much deep thought, tireless research, and countless bong hits, the progressive in me has made an amazing discovery – liberal Utopia, the solution to violent assault. You see, there is a common factor in all violent assaults, many of which end tragically. Ready for it? Here it comes.

Arms. That’s it – arms, as in limbs, those evil appendages that protrude from our shoulders. We must disarm the world! In all but a few very unusual cases over the past 20 years, all violent assaults have been committed by assailants with arms. Not only did said assailants have arms, but they used those arms in the commission of their crimes, making it apparent that while “commission of a felony with a firearm” is horrible and may get a perp a few extra years in the slammer, it is really “commission of a felony with arms” that is the true problem. When are our courts going to recognize this? Without arms, perps would be unable to handle firearms, knives, or any other weapon, thus would be unable to commit their intended mayhem.

Thus, the solution to violent assault, and it is so obvious – surgical removal of all arms at birth. I understand that it will take a generation or two for our wonderful planet to completely heal and become absolutely crime-free with this ingenious remedy, but the longer we wait, the longer we have to worry about being assaulted by an armed (pun intended) conservative in a dark parking garage.

Of course, abortion is still, and always will be, the preferred and perfect progressive anti-crime measure, but some people want children. No problem. They can have children. They just can’t have children with arms. I know what you are thinking. Some people are very creative and can manage a knife or other weapon with just a partial arm. I’m a step ahead of you. Remove the entire limb, just below the shoulder. That’s why we perform this procedure at birth. These are infants. They have no rights, no defense, and can’t even talk. Do we really even need these lame losers around anyway?

Some will argue that human beings are very adaptive and will compensate for the loss of their arms by training and using their feet. Yep! I once saw a man with no arms playing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata on a baby grand with his feet. It was impressive and scary, and I know what you’re thinking – such an athlete could easily commit mass murder with his feet. True. The obvious answer is that while we are removing arms at birth, the only way we guarantee complete security for our glorious society is by also removing legs, all the way to the hip, a safe and simple surgical procedure that will guarantee a carefree and secure future for us all.

Imagine how easy these new unarmed citizens will be to indoctrinate. You can read them Marxist philosophy all day long and they will have no choice but to lay there and listen. I mean, what are they going to do, get up and walk out? LOLOLOL! I crack myself up!

Now here’s the real beauty of this ingenious plan. Not only are these new limbless members of society completely safe, they are also completely defenseless. You know how we liberals love that, right?! And the icing on this Utopian cake is they are also completely dependent, which means…….. AUTOMATIC DEMOCRAT VOTERS!! How beautiful is that? And how about this – these new liberal Democrats will hate sports since they are unable to play them. Perfect liberals! What did I tell you! Is this Progressive Paradise or what?

Spread the word and pass the scalpel!