Following is a statement from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to NFL teams announcing that “we believe that everyone should stand for the national anthem.”

Uh-huh. That wasn’t how you felt until Mom and Pop America bitch-slapped your stupid ass in the wallet.

At the end of the following article (in italics), which contains portions of Goodell’s letter via ESPN, Powdered Wig has translated the document from its original Bullshitese, the official language of the NFL, to English.


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The NFL has developed a plan to “move past” its ongoing debate about player protests during the national anthem and could enact it next week, commissioner Roger Goodell wrote Tuesday in a letter to all 32 teams.

Goodell made it clear in the letter, obtained by ESPN’s Adam Schefter, that he wants players to stand during the anthem. He did not provide specifics on how he intends to ensure it, but he wrote that it would “include such elements as an in-season platform to promote the work of our players on these core issues.”

The issue will be discussed, and likely acted upon, during the NFL’s regularly-scheduled fall meetings on Oct. 17-18.

In the letter, Goodell said he wanted to end the controversy by agreeing on a uniform approach for all teams.

“Like many of our fans,” Goodell wrote, “we believe that everyone should stand for the national anthem. It is an important moment in our game. We want to honor our flag and our country, and our fans expect that of us.

“We also care deeply about our players and respect their opinions and concerns about critical social issues. The controversy over the Anthem is a barrier to having honest conversations and making real progress on the underlying issues. We need to move past this controversy, and we want to do that together with our players.”

The NFL’s current anthem policy states that players “should” stand for the anthem, but it stops short of requiring it.

The proposed new policy is the result of “many of discussions with clubs and players,” Goodell added.

President Donald Trump has called on NFL owners since last month to fire players who do not stand for the anthem, saying their protest “disrespects the flag” and the country. The issue intensified last weekend, when Vice President Mike Pence walked out of the 49ers-Colts game because more than 20 players from the 49ers kneeled during the anthem.

Players involved in the protest, which began in 2016 with 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, have said they are protesting police brutality and racism — not the flag itself. But many NFL owners have grown concerned about the appearance of unpatriotic acts and, on Sunday, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he would bench any player who kneeled.

Translation of Goodell’s letter, from its original Bullshitese to standard American English….

Dear NFL team owners, coaches, staff, and players:

I’ve been thinking…. stop laughing…. and I believe it might possibly be a good idea to stand on our feet for the national anthem, you know for just like a minute or two, until it is over.

I know you don’t give a doodly squat about America or our fans, and frankly, neither do I, but this is about something much more important…. MONEY! Let’s face it, we need their stinking carcasses and especially their wallets in our stadiums. I was never actually able to connect the dots between the low-class bums who sit in the stands and the piles of cash we all make. I always thought the money was just there. I didn’t think it came from anywhere. It took several network CEOs and advertisers to help me connect those dots.

I was never actually able to connect the dots between the low-class bums who sit in the stands and the piles of cash we all make. I always thought the money was just there. I didn’t think it came from anywhere. It took several network CEOs and advertisers to help me connect those dots.

I think I see how it works now. Here, let me explain it to you the way the CEOs and advertisers explained it to me. First of all, there are the fans. That is where the money trail starts. Who knew, right? The fans buy products from multi-billion-dollar companies who advertise on TV networks during our games to get the stupid fans to buy more of their junk, paying the networks huge amounts of money, and in turn, the networks give us huge money to play football on their network.

I know, it’s crazy, right? I couldn’t believe that’s how it works either until they proved it to me.

Personally, I don’t care if you stand, sit, or moonwalk through the anthem. It’s just a stupid song, after all, and not a very good one at that. But myself, selected staff, and consultants got together for a little brainstorming session. We connected a lot of dots. I have to admit, that is really fun. I’m addicted to the dot-connecting books now. Much more fun than coloring.

Now, here’s the thing. I’m going to connect some more dots here, so pay attention. If you spend three minutes standing on 16 Sundays in the fall, we are talking less than an hour here, the fans will come back, the advertisers will start paying huge money to the networks again and the networks will continue to shove money in our pockets. We calculate that the average payout to each of you will be $3 million per season. Please tell me where you can score that kind of jack standing for an hour!

So, yeah, I’m with you, fuck America! Let’s do this for the money! Are you with me?

Love you guys,