To all of Powdered Wig’s readers: Here’s wishing you all the merriest Christmas ever and the best of everything in 2017! I wrote this parody of Clement Clarke Moore’s Christmas classic this morning. I hope you like it….
THE NIGHT BEFORE NEW YEAR’S IN CHAPPAQUA
‘Twas the night before New Year’s when all through the house,
Not a creature was sober. It was Bill and Hitlery’s house.
The voodoo dolls were hung by the chimney with care,
Each with a red tie and bright yellow hair.
The Clintons were entertaining in separate beds,
While fresh lines of coke danced in their heads.
Hillary in a pantsuit and Bill in the raw,
Valerie Jarrett in the living room, praying to Allah,
Do you think Cubans are fighting for healthcare or freedom from Communism?
When out on the driveway there arose such a clatter,
Hitlery sprang from her seizure to see what was the matter?
Away to the window she stumbled in a flash,
But it was just John Podesta who had fallen in the trash,
The moon on the breast of Bill’s mistress du jour
Was tempting to Hitlery as she peeked in the door.
Then she watched several strippers crawl through the window,
Another eruption of Slick Willie’s bimbos.
With a little old driver, so flaccid and still,
She howled as the strippers giggled at Bill.
An endless parade of strippers they came,
As Slick Willie whistled and called them by name!
“Now, Amber! now, Summer! now, Tiffany too!
Oh, Shaniqua! Oh, Destiny, and sweet Mary Lou!
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall!
They had to be loaded, else they would fall!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the rooftop the strippers they flew,
With Willie behind them and Hitlery too.
With a scream and a thud one fell from the roof,
As worried Bill cried, “there’s no plausible proof.”
As they gathered the gang and climbed back through the window,
The Clintons went outside and found an unconscious bimbo.
She was covered in snow from her foot to her head,
As Hitlery told Slick, “Great, another one dead!
As they pondered and schemed what to do with the body,
A limo pulled up with a turban-topped Saudi.
They explained to the Prince the fix they were in,
As he considered the problem while stroking his chin.
As they agreed that the body must go in the trunk,
The stripper sprang from the snow. “Hold on, I’m just drunk!”
As they laughed and laughed and laughed in relief,
They noticed the stripper had broken two teeth.
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Slick Willie exclaimed, “Hell I’m just glad she ain’t dead!”
Hitlery spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
Calling the bimbo a tramp and a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Slick stumbled to the house and up the staircase he rose!
He sprang to his bed, to his team gave a shout,
But the girls were all drunk and had long since passed out.
Then I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he turned out the light,
“Happy New Year, everybody. It’s been one hell of a night!”